It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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