Non-Jews are for practice
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
