shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
