i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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