Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
