A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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