come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
