So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
