You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
