dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
