I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
