You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
