Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
