I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nicole vs. Life
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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