Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
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Do I have a choice?
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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