i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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