woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
