Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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