I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
