dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
