My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
