Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize