Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
