At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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