Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
