And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
