She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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