do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize