just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
