I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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