my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I met the friendliest cop last night
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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