We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
