My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
