I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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