So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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