mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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