Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
