I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
