I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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