i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
