I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
