Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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