i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
