Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
