When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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