Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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