i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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