I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
