There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
