Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
