And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
