we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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