Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
