you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
