Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
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