Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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