apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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