awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
