how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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